It's a jungle out there!!

My job search so far:
* 6 days of panic attacks
* 1 combo job offer/proposition from a newly separated ex-colleague
* 3 drunken flirty 11pm emails from an inebriated work colleague who promised to help me find a job... if I'd come meet him at Abe & Louie's
* 3 interview offers from the midwest:  Detroit, Minneapolis or Denver, anyone? 
* 1 interview potentially scheduled with the semi-famous owner of an NBA team
* Countless forms filled out on recruiter websites
* 1 call scheduled for Friday with my dream job in...BOSTON!  (fingers crossed that he's hiring...)
* Many debts of gratitude owed to all my non-skeezy colleagues and friends who have listened to me blindly panic - yes, S, I am following the steps! 

Inspirational thoughts on a Friday morning...

As you might be able to tell from my recent entries, my life has been pretty chaotic recently!  A very awesome/sweet friend of mine sent me the following quotes to inspire me and it really meant a lot.  I thought I'd share them in case anyone else was feeling a little down because of the three straight weeks of gray skies... Happy Friday everyone!  (PS.  the Gandhi quote is gourmet fo'sho'!)

life does not put things
in front of you
that you are unable to handle.
-unknown

life isn't about finding yourself.
life is about creating yourself.
-unknown

do not go where the path may lead.
go instead where there is no path
and leave a trail.
- ralph waldo emerson

the adventure of life is to learn.
the goal of life is to grow.
-arthur

what lies behind us and what lies before us
are small matters compared to what lies within us.
- ralph waldo emerson

every truly great accomplishment
is at first impossible.
- fortune cookie

be the change
you wish to see in the world...
- gandhi

you are master of your own fate,
the captain of your own soul.
- william ernest henley

the journey of a thousand miles
begins with one step.
- lao tzu

limitless like the ocean
are your excellent qualities
- the dalai lama

twenty years from now you will be more
disappointed by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did.
so throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor,
catch the trade winds in your sails.
explore. dream. discover.
-unknown

it is never too late to be
what you might have been.
- eliot

Kick in the arse

Sometimes, you look around at your life and you think.... I feel kinda lost - I know I'm not 100% in the place I'm supposed to be, but I'm too content/complacent/whatever to shake things up. 

Well, today I found out that my firm is winding down... and that I have to go look for a new job... a prospect that is simultaneously absolutely terrifying and exciting.  I feel like my job has been stuck in neutral for the past 9-12 months and... hopefully this is just the kick in the arse I need?

I guess I'm scared b/c (1)  unfortunately, most of the jobs in my field are in NYC or San Francisco or Chicago... but there are some in Boston as well... (2) it's not the best time in the world to think of getting a new job and (3) fear of the unknown. 

What I need is a drink!  and for my heart to stop beating so effing fast. 

H_ngm_n

Last night, my friend P and I went to The Gallows in the South End and it was gr_a_.  Compared to Citizens, another "upscale" gastropub I've recently eaten at, The Gallows was much more chill (i.e. I could hear myself think/actually have a conversation) and the food was delicious.  Even though I'm on a stupid diet (the "don't eat things that might cause a heart attack" diet - patent pending) until I unveil myself at the RTP on Memorial Day, my field green salad and Kentucky bugoo were quite tasty if not entirely what I expected.  Although I desperately wanted to order the poutine and burgers, discipline ruled the day and I went healthy, sort of.  My field green salad was incredibly fresh and light and the bugoo was tasty.  I guess I had pictured more of a piece of lamb instead of a stew... but either way I enjoyed the bugoo! 

P did a better job of ordering than I and had the chicken which was SO good. 

We had a great night and I'd give The Gallows 7.5 out of 10 st_rs. 

No Soup For You

Today, I might have taken a cab to volunteer at a soup kitchen in Beacon Hill, Saturday/Sunday's Bread.  Yes, all of the limos and town cars were booked. I walked into the church (no, I was not struck down) and met the group of people I would be working with for the afternoon.  It was a mix of young and old people, everyone seemed very friendly.  It was my first time there and I learned that Saturday/Sunday's Bread was started because there were a lot of institutions providing food for homeless and marginally homeless people during the week, but not on weekends.  

The head of the kitchen informed us that the meal of the day was shepherd's pie, green beans and salad with bread and cookies on each of the tables.  I couldn't believe that there was no soup at the soup kitchen!  We weren't allowed to make the shepherd's pie, but made tons of salad (red peppers are my b*tch!) and set tables, laying out the bread, cookies, juice, water and condiments.  As we were cutting up vegetables, the chef told us to make sure everything was cut into tiny pieces as most of the people we'd be serving had severe dental issues. 

At about 2:30, the floodgates opened and 80+ people walked in, primarily male.  They eagerly devoured the food as fast as we put it in front of them and were clamoring for seconds.  Ladies, if you ever need an ego boost, head to the nearest homeless shelter... I got more sweet compliments and requests for my phone number than I can count!  All of the people seemed so grateful for the food and a chance to talk to us and kept thanking us profusely.  Talking to a lot of the people there, I felt pretty sad.... some of the people were clearly well-educated, some seemed quite well read and talked about former jobs and schools... I wondered how they got to where they are now, but it didn't seem appropriate to ask. 

After we cleaned up the dining room and kitchen, I left... smelling slightly of shepherd's pie, but feeling a sense of accomplishment and happiness.  I would definitely recommend going and I hope to go back soon!  

BFF (aka a self-indulgent, hopefully cathartic, not funny at all article)

Tonight, I went to Bergamot with Emily.  In truth, I had been both looking forward to dinner and dreading it, as she is moving to Michigan shortly and I knew that I'd have to face that fact - which I had been conciously avoiding dealing with.  You might cry for a day or two or maybe even a month over losing some guy who will ultimately fade to nothing more than a memory, but how do you stop crying over losing somone who has been a huge part of your life since you were 15,  someone you went to high school and college with, someone who is the first person you call when you're happy, scared, surprised or sad and someone you can always, always count on... I don't know. 

I first met Emily when we were both new sophomores at boarding school.  Neither of us had quite found our niche yet, but when we met each other, we finally found true friends.  Someone once asked us if we'd always been close, or whether, since we were so close now, we'd revised our history to make it seem that we'd always been that way.  "Nope," we replied, "we've always been this way."  When I think back on our friendship, which at this point has been going on for over half our lives, I think of... sleepovers in Boxford, mixing vodka and snapple and drinking in her parents' hot tub, PALS, our frequent bowler cards, concerts at great woods... and getting arrested, laying out by the pool, living in the ABCDs together in college, watching days of our lives and 90210, graduating from ramen to fancy restaurants, shopping and nice vacations, crying after breakups, laughing almost all the time..too many memories to write down in one place.

Last week, I was on a business trip and grabbed a trashy novel to read on the plane, Something Borrowed.  Basically, it was about two girls who had nominally been "best friends forever", but beneath the surface, there was competition, one upsmanship, jealousy, manipulation, betrayal, distance and a lack of understanding about and appreciation for who the other person was.  As shallow as the book was, I found myself actually thinking about different friendships in my life and comparing them to the one in the book.  When I thought about Emily, I realized that we have, and always had, a complete absence of any of those negative factors.  Now, that's pretty rare.  I think that we could hang out forever and never get sick of each other.

Emily says that nothing has to change, that we're family and will be best friends forever.  Even though I know that's true, I can't help feeling that I'll probably start crying again the first time I drive by Inman Square and know that she won't be there.  I'll miss all the everyday things I know.

Thank you, Emily, for always making my life better and being there for me.  I love you more than I have the words to express. 

Oh yeah, and Bergamot was really good too with fresh, local ingredients and great flavors.  Although we both cried all over our food and I'm a little embarrassed to go back, I should probably wait to give it a true, non-cried-on review.   

Picking at scabs

Once upon a time, I dated a frog…let’s call him… LT.  Several years ago, LT and I met through work and instantly hit it off – although at the time, he was in Chicago while I was in Boston.   Then, LT announced that he was moving to Boston to prepare to swim across the Atlantic.  Although this seemed far-fetched, it was completely in keeping with his over the top personality and we feverishly traded emails, texts and phone calls, counting down the days until our first date on the day he arrived.   Well, it turned out that the truth was more mundane, instead of facing sharks and cold temperatures, he was here for graduate school.  After all of that anticipation, our date was, well, drunken  and may have ended when he ran out of my apartment before he puked.  The very next day, I met a new frog, J, who I fell for deeply and LT became absorbed by his new graduate school life. 

We always kept in touch and last spring, almost a year ago today, he stopped by a party I was throwing and… it happened.  That elusive thunderbolt  of “I need to be with this person no matter what” struck both of us.   I was dating someone else at the time who was much more stable, mature and not moving to NYC to take a 100-hour a week job at an investment bank.  Although I tried to be reasonable and logical and, for once, make a smart decision, I couldn’t resist the electric chemistry and broke up with my boyfriend for the wildly charismatic puzzle that was LT.  We enjoyed a couple months of absolute bliss… long conversations until 5 in the morning, the amazing feeling you get when someone tells you that you’re the most important thing in the world to them, strolls through the Common, dates to Celtics games,  the most fun ever and laughing… We’d never felt that way before about anyone else. 

Unfortunately, reality then struck and LT became really busy with his job in NYC… we started fighting over not spending time together, religion and the different places we were in life.  As happy as I’d been, I felt equally miserable.  One night, after a particularly grueling “conversation”, I was sitting in my window, drinking wine by myself and smoking cigarettes (which I hadn’t in years) and I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself.  The next day, I broke up with him over email.  Cowardly I know, but I knew if I talked to him face to face or over the phone, I wouldn’t have been able to end things.  Afterwards, we talked and emailed a bit, but it was just too painful and we resolved to forget about each other and move on.   So, I got back together with the dull boyfriend and tried to forget.  But, it was hard, everything reminded me of LT… things we’d talked about and both loved, songs on the radio (Eminem’s Love the Way you Lie and U2’s With or Without You were particular favorites if that tells you anything about the dysfunction) and I would forget about the misery and just miss the happiness.  

But, as with anything, time, as well as a sense of “God, you’re pathetic,” made things easier.  And, just this week, I remember thinking “wow, I’ve made a lot of progress – I think I might be over him. “

Cut to last night… I was getting dressed to meet my friend S for dinner when my phone started ringing… I looked down…. and it was him.  LT.  What would you do?  In a state of shock, my heart pounding, I answered the phone.  It turned out he was in town for work and wanted to see if I would like to get “a drink or two or zero or a cup of water” either Thursday or Friday night.  I told him that I had dinner plans, but could meet up afterwards if it wasn’t too late.   I thought, “wow, I’m an idiot…. all those months of progress down the drain…”  But, I knew that if I didn’t go, I would always wonder what he’d wanted to say and that might end up being worse.  So, I went to meet him after dinner.  We started talking and it was like old times…. Inside jokes and, even though a lot of time had passed, it seemed like we remembered everything about each other and our brief relationship. 

Beware the giant, white elephant in the room. 

He started talking about his job and his “problems with authority” and how that fed into his control issues.  “I have problems doing things other people tell me to do if I don’t think it’s my idea as well.  Things need to always be my idea.  I hate the feeling of not being in control.”  And, I remembered why we didn’t work out. 

Then, he asked, “are you still stuck on staying in Boston?  Would you ever move to a different city?” 

And he said it “I miss you… I think about you a lot.”

We left the bar and he grabbed me and kissed me on the streets of Beacon Hill, like old times.  Then he asked me if I wanted to go back to his hotel room.  And the answer came suddenly, “No.  I don’t want to be some random girl.”  “It’s not like that at all, but I respect your decision.”  “Why did you call me tonight?”  “I missed you and we have so much in common and the same sense of humor and I want to be back in your life.” 

Same old LT.  All the pretty words, none of the commitment. 

I left and went home.  I guess I don’t know why I feel so sad and no sense of the closure I so desperately wanted.  Maybe because when you pick a scab, you bleed. 

Lovin' the Lone Star State

As the meat in the middle of a hefty work-trip sandwich, my weekend visit to Austin, TX to see some dear friemds was highly anticipated and did not disappoint.  As much as I hate to be disloyal to Boston, I have to admit that Austin may have one over on us Northerners.  Weather?  triple check.  Outdoor living/Water sports?  check.  Live music?  check.  Food?  toss-up, depending on whether you prefer healthy + seafood to BBQ + Mexican.  People?  A LOT friendlier, but missing that sarcastic/something to grab onto.  Fun?  double check.

I woke up on saturday morning and my friend S proposed we walk to the local breakfast cafe.  A mile later, I made my first discovery:  the breakfast taco.  In hindsight, I have spent way too much time laboring under the false delusion that tacos are only for lunch and dinner... oh no, my friends, tacos with eggs and hot sauce and sausage = magically delicious start to a morning.  We then hung out for awhile before heading to Lake Travis for lunch on a cliff overlooking the lake.  Although the food left a little to be desired, the views were spectacular and I found myself wishing that Boston would have a complex of bars and restaurants where one could drink margaritas on a lake.... We then headed into town for dinner and drinks with S's husband, J and his hot, single friend, Brian.  After several margaritas + Lone Star beers (taste like Budweiser), we ate what I assume to be authentic Mexican food at an upscale restaurant and then headed to a section of town where a developer had bought a group of houses and converted them into bars - complete with hula hoops and ping pong tables.  Oh, and did I mention that this Brian is hot?  Apparently, he is not only hot, but also ridiculously smart, successful, nice, and sharing of my love for Bernese mountain dogs.  sigh.  After we talked for several hours, we left and Brian promised to meet up with us on Sunday for dinner and to buy a ticket to join us at a Lauryn Hill concert.

Although we were a bit hungover on Sunday, S & J and I still made our way to the bottom of the lake where they keep their boat next to a fun restaurant on the lake.  Second amazing TX food discovery of the weekend:  fried pickles.  As I ate my friend pickles and drank my beer, I looked over the people driving their boats up to docks while bands played and grabbing beers, jet skiing and swimming... maybe this is the life?   

On Sunday night, we went to a great restaurant, Parkside, for dinner and walked around 6th street (kinda trashy, I have to say) before making our way over to Stubbs, a famous outdoor arena.  Intimate and full of character, Stubbs seemed like the kind of old-fashioned place that's ideal for people who really like music.  Brian and I stole off from S&J and watched the Lauryn Hill concert together.  Alas, the night ended too soon and I headed back with my friends to catch an early flight to Dallas for my work meetings.  Sigh. 

All in all, I highly recommend a trip to Austin... especially for one of the music festivals (SXSW or ACL) or UTexas games... hopefully I will be seeing the Lone Star state (but, really only Austin) again soon.